Teaching Students That Disagreement Doesn’t Have to Mean Disrespect

Throughout my time as a school social work supervisor, I spent a lot of time in classrooms supporting teachers and observing students. One thing I saw often, and I’m sure you’ve seen it too if you’ve spent any time in a classroom, was that students disagree—and some students disagree a lot.

Sometimes, that disagreement turns into frustration, leaving students feeling misunderstood or upset. The problem isn’t that students disagree with one another; that is just a part of being around other people. The problem is that most students are never taught how to disagree respectfully.

What starts as a disagreement can easily turn into hurtful comments, catty behavior, or unnecessary conflict. But it isn’t necessarily because students want that to happen. Instead, it is often because students do not have the skills needed to express disagreement in a respectful way.

When I observed classrooms and noticed disagreements that weren’t respectful, I stepped in and talked with students to help them understand that they could disagree, but they could do so in an appropriate way.

Over time, as students learned the kinds of communication patterns I introduced, they were better able to engage in debate in a productive, respectful way.

TEACHING STUDENTS HOW TO DISAGREE RESPECTFULLY

I have helped students across grade levels build these kinds of skills, but the strategies I most often rely on, and outline here, are best suited for upper elementary students. These four strategies can help you ensure that students understand what it looks like to disagree respectfully and how they can do it themselves.

1. Teach students what respect looks like. One thing I have found helpful is being very specific about what respect actually looks like. Respectful disagreement does not mean agreeing with everything someone says or avoiding conflict altogether. It means recognizing that you can have a different opinion while choosing to not degrade, insult, or dismiss someone.

A lot of students hear adults say, “Be respectful.” The problem is that the phrase is pretty abstract. Instead, teachers can give students specific expectations so they have something they can actually practice.

For example, I would tell students things like, “You can be upset, but it is not OK to insult someone.” Then I would explain exactly what I expected to see. For example, “respect” means looking at the person who is speaking, waiting for them to finish their statement instead of talking over them, and responding to what they said as opposed to making a personal or degrading comment.

It can also mean saying things like, “Thanks for sharing, but I disagree because…,” “I don’t think I understand—can you explain what you mean again?” or “I have a different perspective,” instead of “That makes no sense” or “You’re dumb.”

It’s important that students not try to guess what adults mean by “Be respectful”; instead they have clear examples they can use the next time they become frustrated.

2. Help students separate disagreement from disrespect. It’s important to help students understand the difference between disagreeing with someone and disrespecting someone. Sometimes these two things become intertwined for students (and for adults), making students feel that because they disagree with someone, it’s acceptable to raise their voice, make personal comments, or dismiss the other person’s perspective.

When talking with students, I would explicitly explain that disagreement is fine, but disrespect is not. I would tell students that disagreeing with someone is about the topic they had opposing views on, not about the person whom they disagreed with.

By framing it like this, I could help students learn to use language that was more objective rather than making a personal comment. For example, where a student could have previously disagreed with someone and said something like, “You’re stupid for thinking the answer is that,” they could instead say something like, “I think the answer is actually this because…”

3. Practice respectful communication. As adults, we sometimes assume that students already know what respectful disagreement sounds like. In reality, many of them don’t, as they may not see or practice those interactions consistently at home, in their community, or even among their peers.

It is therefore helpful to have students practice engaging in respectful disagreement so they can be better prepared to use the appropriate language when a disagreement arises, in class or otherwise. I would work with students either one-on-one or in a small group and role-play different scenarios, working through what a respectful versus a disrespectful response could sound like.

For example, if a student said, “That’s a stupid idea,” I might respond by saying, “You may have a different opinion, and that’s OK, but we don’t call other people’s ideas stupid. First, let’s apologize for how that came across. Then you can share what you’re thinking or share your idea in a respectful way.”

4. Give students time to develop their capacity to disagree respectfully. Like most social and emotional skills, respectful disagreement takes repetition. Sometimes students need reminders or need adults to model it several times before they begin using those same approaches themselves.

Although I no longer work as a school social work supervisor, I still find myself having these conversations regularly in my work as a children and adolescent psychotherapist. The setting has changed, but the conversations really haven’t. Children still become frustrated. Adolescents still say things in the heat of the moment that they later regret. The difference is that when students have spent years practicing respectful communication, they’re often better equipped to manage those situations.

Over time, students begin thinking about their tone and how their words affect other people. They start realizing that they can express frustration without insulting someone and that they can stand up for themselves without putting someone else down.

Just like reading, writing, or solving a math problem, respectful disagreement has to be taught, modeled, practiced, and reinforced. When we take the time to teach those skills early, students are better prepared not only for the classroom, but for college, work, relationships, and everyday life, where disagreements are sure to arise.