Teaching Preschool Students How to Navigate Conflicts

Anyone who teaches preschool is familiar with the disputes that break out during play and how quickly these events can escalate. When I was a new teacher, I resented these conflicts—my beautiful curriculum, interrupted!—and rushed to put out all the little fires as best I could. That way, my kids could get back to learning, right?

Well, not really. What I did was arbitrate—that is, decide, judge, and advise. Efficiency was my goal, with the objective of children going back to what they were doing and putting the conflict behind them. It took me a while to realize that this is nothing more than a quick fix, which often just sets the stage for another eruption of big feelings. It took me a much longer time to realize that those big feelings are the key, because if you don’t address the emotions underlying a conflict, there’s no way the kids can get past it. And it took me an exceptionally long time to realize that preschool conflict is curriculum.

Next time two children are fighting, rather than deciding an outcome, try using this effective process for empowering the children to craft their own solution. These three steps are the foundation of the mediation approach I describe in Peacemaking with Preschoolers, written with Heather Malley and Enrico Gnaulati. I think you’ll find that when you step back, kids step up.

Step 1: What’s happening here?

Ask a curious, neutral-sounding question like “What’s going on?” or “Wow, you both look really upset. Can you tell me what’s happening?” Help the children express their feelings and perspectives. Try to get them to identify a trigger and a feeling. What did the other person do, and how did it make them feel? Very young children don’t usually have a lot of emotion words in their working vocabulary, but this is the perfect opportunity to introduce these terms, in real situations where feelings are immediate and poignant.

You may have to guess, as in “I wonder if you felt discouraged” or “That sounds frustrating!” All of this is coaching them to produce an I-message, such as “I felt angry when you called me a poopy head.” Learning emotion words is key to self-awareness; these words also become bridges of empathy.

Step 2: How can we solve this?

Ask the children what they think they should do to solve the problem. They may have a lot of suggestions. Once they start brainstorming ideas for resolving their conflict, they’ll experience a shift: It’s not me against you but rather you and me against the problem. I would discourage them from critiquing each other’s suggestions at this point. Brainstorming solutions should feel creative and freewheeling, and nothing shuts down creativity like criticism.

Once all the ideas are on the table, assist the children with negotiating a solution that works for them. At this point, it’s OK for a child to respectfully state what they don’t like about the other child’s idea, which might lead to an acceptable modification of the idea. Children are very nimble thinkers, so don’t be surprised if they take the front half of one idea and hook it onto the back end of another, or if they come up with an idea that doesn’t sound like the one you would have come up with.

Conversely, what if they come up with the exact idea you would have come up with, such as taking turns? You may be thinking it wasn’t worth the five or 10 minutes it took for them to “invent” turn-taking! Rest assured that any resolution they arrive at together is more doable and durable than one you suggest. And it’s the process—how they got to a resolution by being patient, using their words, and expressing their feelings—that matters most. You are helping them lay down patterns of behavior to deploy when conflict happens. Gradually, they will start to use these skills without your intervention.

Eager to get back to playing, children are usually quite willing to negotiate a compromise. On the rare occasions when they get stuck, sometimes I suggest a super-silly solution, or one I’m pretty sure they will both dislike. This jolts things loose. Or we can take a break until later, giving them time to mull things over. Sooner or later—usually sooner—they will craft an agreement.

If they get permanently stuck or lose interest in the process, I might offer a solution. Not all mediations end up perfectly, tied with a pink bow! The children expressed their feelings, listened, and negotiated a bit—that’s progress.

Step 3: Is everyone OK with that solution?

Make certain the children agree on their solution. Encourage them to think of it as a contract. Do a final check-in about what happens next: Are they going to play together or apart? Who gets the truck they were fighting over? Are we clear on who’s going to play the part of the mommy and who’s going to be the little sister?

So, is mediation always possible? Of course not. On rare occasions, a child is not ready to talk things out, or your class might be transitioning from one activity to another. It can be hard to carve out the time to mediate while maintaining control over the class. Mediating during recess or lunch might be your best bet, or you can use a hybrid approach: arbitrate in the short term, then mediate later for a long-term solution. I want to be clear that it’s OK to arbitrate—it just doesn’t yield the same rich results.

I’ve seen best friends ask a teacher to assist them through mediation. They knew instinctively that their friendship meant a lot, that it was something worth struggling to preserve. I’ve also seen how, in the course of one school year, classmates become so much more autonomous about dealing with conflict. Mediation has a weaning effect; gradually, the children needed me less and less to resolve their disputes.

Does mediation take longer than arbitration? Usually. Is it more doable and durable? Yes. Does it foster social and emotional learning? Absolutely. Here are just some of the collateral benefits of mediation:

• Emotional literacy
• Perspective-taking
• Collaboration
• Negotiation skills
• Empathy
• Emotion regulation
• Patience
• The formation of deep, trusting friendships

With mediation in your tool belt, I think you’ll come to see preschool conflicts as a cherished part of your curriculum.