A 7-Step Process for Difficult Conversations With School Staff

For many administrators, ourselves—both retired school leaders—included, the thought of having a difficult conversation with an employee to discuss poor performance or unprofessional behavior is uncomfortable at best and causes anxiety and professional paralysis at worst. Early in our careers, we were guilty of putting these conversations off or avoiding them altogether. Our inaction perpetuated the problem, made our school climate worse, and did not give our students the best they deserved. The consequences when we choose avoidance over action do much more damage than we realize.

Most people want to be liked and not thought of as the bad guy. When it comes to avoiding these types of conversations, maybe we’re trying to protect ourselves from emotional fallout, not wanting to face an employee’s anger, tears, hurt, or defiance. We may even convince ourselves that the behavior in question is “not that bad” or that they are going through a “rough time” and deserve a break. We also can often find work excuses like “We don’t have time due to having so many meetings, emails, and urgent tasks.”

Whether they’re reasons or excuses, we do a great disservice to our students, staff, and community by avoiding these conversations. Let’s be real, it’s not a secret. Everyone on campus knows you’re avoiding them—employees know the problem is being ignored, and the inaction can erode trust in leadership. Often we remind each other that “it’s like smoke from the restroom.” If we walk past a restroom, smell smoke, and don’t do something about it, we condone it. Or worse yet, people infer that we don’t care.

GETTING STARTED WITH DIFFICULT PROFESSIONAL CONVERSATIONS

So where do you start? First, stop beating yourself up. Get over the guilt and forgive yourself. Not having the courage in the past doesn’t mean you won’t have it tomorrow. Second, take some time to reflect. The reality is, leaders must continuously visit their personal motivations and challenges, acknowledge past failures, then commit to moving forward with courage. It’s what we expect of employees. Addressing issues head-on nurtures a positive school culture, clarifies expectations, and moves the workplace from a confusing, stressful state of “gray” to a more manageable and transparent “black and white.”

This is especially vital where student safety is in question and inaction could have dire consequences. And finally, find some easy, constructive tools to help support your change efforts. One of the best ways that helped us overcome our barriers and quell trepidation was to have a professional, scripted process that kept us focused.

A SEVEN-STEP process FOR DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

The tool we used with much success is the Assertive Intervention Conversation, a model by Elaine K. McEwan, author of How to Deal With Teachers Who Are Angry, Troubled, Exhausted, or Just Plain Confused. Her process for these conversations involves seven steps:

1. Scripting the conversation
2. Explicit description of behavior
3. Feelings about the behavior
4. Impact on the employee
5. Acknowledging your contribution
6. Desire to resolve
7. Invitation to respond

Examples of situations where we have used this type of Assertive Intervention script include an employee arriving late to work, not attending meetings, not fulfilling their supervision duties, derailing meetings, sleeping on the job, etc. This intervention treats employees as capable professionals who can examine their own behavior and develop solutions.

Please note: This is not for criminal or illegal behavior. That requires alerting the proper authorities and/or seeking legal assistance.

HOW WE IMPLEMENT THE seven-STEP PROCESS

In our experience, which admittedly included many nonproductive attempts to have these types of conversations, we found this process to be the most effective in not only supporting people through their changes, but also helping us preserve professional working relationships.

Honestly, when we both started as administrators, we tried having these talks, but they turned out poorly. We knew we needed to make changes if we wanted others to do the same. Having a clear process that we could practice prior to having a meeting helped us be more focused and objective. That in turn made the intervention come from a sincere place of support. After going through this with several employees, we could see the difference it made, which grew our own confidence as leaders, helping alleviate (not eliminate) our discomfort, guilt, and fears.

1. Scripting the conversation. Administrators should prepare a script for the conversation, focusing on one or two specific behaviors. The beginning should be clear and direct, without unnecessary conversation. For example, “I have asked to meet with you about the fact that you arrive late to work most days.”
2. Explicit description of behavior. Provide a clear, factual description of the behavior with one or two specific examples. Connect the behavior to a school policy, contract, or code of conduct. For example, “I noticed you arriving after the homeroom bell rang on at least five of the past 10 days. This leaves your students unsupervised, which is a safety concern and violates the teacher contract.”
3. Feelings about the behavior. The level of feeling (e.g., concerned, disappointed, stressed) should match the level of the issue. A simple statement like, “I am concerned about the safety of our students when they are unattended,” adds a human, honest element to the conversation.
4. Impact on the employee. Explain how the behavior negatively affects the employee’s reputation, effectiveness, and professional standing. If appropriate, state the potential consequences, such as disciplinary action or nonrenewal of their contract. “Being late puts students in an unsafe environment and violates the contract. This behavior is damaging your professional credibility and may lead to disciplinary action.”
5. Acknowledging your contribution. In a sincere but brief statement, the administrator should acknowledge any delay in addressing the issue. “I should have spoken to you about this earlier, but I believed it was a onetime occurrence.”
6. Desire to resolve. State a sincere desire to resolve the issue and offer support. Emphasize the positive outcome for the employee. “I am committed to assisting you. When we leave my office today, I am hopeful you will address this matter so we do not have to speak about this again.”
7. Invitation to respond. End by inviting the employee to respond. Ask, “What do you think about what I’ve described?” or “Tell me what you are thinking about this.” Then, be silent. This allows the employee to process and respond. Throughout the conversation, capturing notes on the printed script can serve as a summary of the meeting. This documentation ensures an accurate and objective record.

The conversation itself is not the end. After any of these difficult conversations, we made it a point to follow up with the employee—not only for accountability, but the message was clear that the conversation we had was important and mattered. Without follow-up, the agreement becomes an empty promise, and positive changes in behavior are much less likely to happen.

Ultimately, being a leader requires using judgment to decide what is important to address. By mastering the art of the difficult conversation, administrators demonstrate a commitment to clarity, integrity, and, most important, the success and safety of those they serve.