A 3-Step Framework for Teaching Students How to Apologize

My instructional coaching work takes me into classrooms alongside school leaders, and we’re seeing a pattern of disconnect in relationships between students. Many children in the early grades and middle school don’t come to school fluent in maintaining appropriate boundaries or in repairing relationships after hurting a peer’s feelings. Whether harm is caused intentionally or by accident, explicitly teaching students a concrete way to apologize gives them a tool to mend relationships, improve classroom culture, and continue learning.

Plant Seeds That Bloom Over Time

Some of the teachers I work with express the idea that certain students aren’t interested in learning how to apologize or practice other critical life skills. I remind them that our role is to keep planting seeds—providing students with the proper guidance even if it doesn’t seem like it’s making a difference yet. Exposure to critical life lessons is crucial, even if adolescents aren’t able to apply them immediately. Recent work from the UCLA Center for the Developing Adolescent supports this point.

Skills like responsible decision-making and impulse control may strengthen later as the brain’s prefrontal cortex matures with practice and time. The prefrontal cortex continues developing into early adulthood and is responsible for executive functions such as higher-order cognition, impulse control, and connecting actions to consequences.

To make real-world connections with the research, I’ll share my personal experience. As a young teen, I often said yes to adults’ advice and then would do exactly what I wanted. Because the seeds of their good counsel had been planted, they later came to mind and bloomed as I matured. Many educators recognize similar moments in their own journeys and see the importance of teaching students critical life skills even if the full impact isn’t immediate.

Why Teaching about APOLOGies Belongs on Teachers’ Radar

Multiple research studies have shown that social and emotional learning lessons are linked to improvements in student behavior, positive school climate, and measurable gains in academic learning. Additionally, when apologies are done right, they have the power to mend relationships. Psychiatrist Aaron Lazare’s research in On Apology shows that effective apologies show sincere remorse, ownership of the harm caused, and an offer to make things right.

Young children can learn how to apologize effectively. Elementary-age students can make amends by naming the harm caused, which leads to forgiveness and reengaging with classmates. As they grow, learning how to make effective apologies can help children move beyond offering apologies as a reflex to understanding and implementing the action of accepting responsibility.

Implementing a simple apology routine can help reduce conflicts, mend student relationships, and protect your instructional time. Here’s how.

Understanding the Three-Step Student Apology

Using simplified kid language, a three-step student apology follows the same framework that I use in my coaching work with adults. Frameworks are powerful for young children because they give them an easy-to-remember, reusable recipe. Be sure to tell them that.

1. Remorse: “I’m sorry for…”

Here, students should explain what they did and how it affected someone else.

Sentence stems: “I’m sorry for cutting in front of you in line and for hurting your feelings.” “I’m sorry for leaving you out of our game on the playground and making you feel left out.”

2. Ownership: “It’s my fault…”

Here, it’s essential for students to own their actions and not make excuses for them. Explain that doing so often adds insult to injury.

Sentence stems: “It’s my fault because I wanted to go first and I didn’t consider your feelings.” “It’s my fault you were left out of the game because I made the choice not to include everyone.”

3. Repair: “How can I make this right for you?”

Here, students can learn how to offer repair by making suggestions and then follow through to make things right. They should also be open to what their affected peer would like the repair to be.

Sentence stems: “How can I make this right for you?” “Would allowing you to go in front of me in line next time help?” “Would selecting you to be on my team next time or having you be a team captain help?

Liken these three parts of the apology to a triangle—removing any of the sides creates a collapse. Children should be made aware that their actions and words either build someone up or tear someone down.

Teach the Framework in a 20-Minute Lesson

Here’s an idea for teaching the three steps to your entire class or a group of students. The amount of time can be adjusted according to your context. Plan for about 20 minutes, but maintain flexibility to extend or shorten the time based on student engagement.

1. Remorse: Explain why apologies are necessary for maintaining positive relationships.

Say: “We all make mistakes. In our class, we fix them together by giving and receiving apologies effectively.”

Briefly model weak apologies (“Sorry if I hurt your feelings but…”) and the three-step apology (Remorse + Ownership + Repair = Better Relationships). Ask students which apology they would like to receive and why.

2. Ownership: Post an anchor chart.

Title: “How We Apologize in Our Class.” Add three bullets for the three steps mentioned above: “I’m sorry for…” “It’s my fault…” “How can I make this right for you?”

Include two or three relatable examples.

3. Repair: Using improvisation, model two skits for students (five to seven minutes).

The first skit should be between you and a student; the second, between two students. The first time that students do it, it may be a little clunky. Make sure to coach as needed, and have them use sentence stems.

Finally, in support of better relationships, close the lesson with reflection.

Have kids name the three steps, and ask them which one will be the easiest and hardest for them to apply. Also, ask if they think that receiving apologies might sometimes be too hard and if taking time to cool down might be best. In this case, offer a timed repair window as a class agreement to circle back to when tensions run high (e.g., two minutes, five minutes—whatever they need).

The Payoff is Worth the Wait

Just because students learn how to apologize, it doesn’t mean there won’t be conflict in schools. However, having this skill can increase the chances of resolving conflicts faster, effectively, and with accountability. Remember, our students are still kids, so don’t be overly disappointed when the lessons don’t immediately click with them. We’re planting seeds and imparting a life skill that will protect students’ relationships long after they’ve left our classrooms.