A Grounding Practice for Principals

The boomerang conversation. That’s the best way I can describe it. The texts were flying between us—fast, frustrated, and laced with emotion. A teacher felt I hadn’t supported them when a student walked out of class; I felt they hadn’t followed our agreed-upon protocol. Both of us were defensive, and neither of us was listening. And each time I thought I’d de-escalated things, another message came back sharper than the last. And to be honest, I wasn’t helping. My responses were more reactive than I wanted them to be, and I could feel myself getting pulled into a cycle I didn’t know how to stop.

That’s when I caught myself.

I put the phone down, stood up from my desk, and stepped outside my office. I took a breath. I could feel the heat rising—tight chest, clenched jaw, spiraling thoughts. In that moment, I realized I didn’t need more words. I needed clarity. I needed to ground myself before I could lead the conversation forward.

The Leadership Challenge

As school leaders, we face dozens of micro-crises every day. When frustration takes over, we risk reacting from emotion instead of responding with intention. Over time, that reactive mode can drain our energy, damage relationships, and pull us away from our core purpose.

In my own journey—and in writing Principal in Balance—I learned that balance isn’t about doing less. It’s about leading with clarity, presence, and aligned action—even in hard moments. In moments like these, there is a simple three-step process I’ve come to rely on.

When I feel frustration rise, tight in my chest, hot in my face, there’s always a split-second calculation happening beneath the surface. It’s almost invisible, but it shapes everything that follows. But leadership asks for something different.

Ask yourself:

• Is this frustration about them, or about me feeling out of control right now?
• What story am I telling myself about their words?
• If I respond now, am I responding to what they actually said or to what I assume they meant?

The 3Rs: A Grounding Practice for Principals

1. Reflect: What happened—and how am I feeling? After stepping away from my phone, I sat down and asked myself: What just happened—and what am I telling myself about it?

The story in my head was fast and full of judgment: They’re being disrespectful. They’re not listening. They’re trying to blame me. But beneath the anger was something else: I felt misunderstood. Dismissed. Cornered. And to be honest, I was embarrassed. My responses weren’t aligned with the leader I wanted to be—I was reacting to tone instead of leading through clarity.

I named it. I’m frustrated. I feel attacked. I want to be heard and respected. Just giving myself permission to feel those things helped me breathe again. It also reminded me: I don’t need to win this conversation. I need to lead it.

Reflecting gives me the space to understand what is happening. Instead of reacting in the moment, when I start feeling tension come on, I’ll walk down the hall to greet students, refill my water, or re-center with a short prayer or mindful breath.

2. Reframe: What else could be true? With a bit of space between me and the screen, I asked myself: What might be going on for them? What might I not be seeing yet?

This staff member—someone I genuinely respect—was clearly upset. Maybe it wasn’t about me at all. Maybe they were overwhelmed with their own load, feeling unsupported, or reacting to something that happened before our exchange even began.

Then I turned the mirror toward myself: Had I been unclear in my earlier communication? Had I responded with sarcasm or defensiveness without realizing it?

I saw the truth: Even though I hadn’t meant to escalate things, my tone and pacing had contributed. I was matching their heat instead of offering light. That realization softened me. It didn’t excuse everything—but it reminded me that we were both human in this.

3. Respond: What’s the best path forward? Now I had a choice: keep going down the reactive path—or course correct.

I asked myself: What’s the most effective and human-centered way to move forward?
What tone would reflect who I want to be as a leader?

I paused and looked around my office, flooded with notifications, urgent requests, and email pings. My chest felt tight. My gut reaction was to type back immediately, clarify my point, and “resolve it quickly.” But I realized that wasn’t going to help. It never does.

I sat back in my chair, took a breath, and texted: “Hey—can we talk for five minutes in person today or call quick? I think we’re missing each other in text.”

Within a minute, they responded: “Yes—please. That would be better.”

When we finally spoke, it felt like a window opening on a stuffy day. The tension dropped almost immediately. I could hear their voice catch slightly when they explained how my last text felt dismissive. That hadn’t been my intention at all. I explained what I had meant, and I apologized for how it came across.

They sighed with relief. I did too. We laughed a little about how easily typed words had amplified assumptions. We left the conversation feeling more connected, not more distant.

But here’s what I carried forward: In real time, my quickness to respond had come across as dismissive in their eyes. I felt terrible that my intent to be efficient actually felt like minimizing to them. I was grateful for the chance to apologize and learn from it.

Because this isn’t just about managing conflict. It’s about modeling emotional regulation, empathy, and intentionality in a role that constantly pulls you in multiple directions. We can’t control how others interpret every message. But we can choose to slow down and to lead with curiosity instead of certainty.

So this week, when frustration shows up—because it will—try walking through the 3Rs:

1. Reflect. Pause. Name what you’re feeling and why. I’m feeling dismissed because my ideas weren’t acknowledged.
2. Reframe. Choose a generous interpretation or identify what matters most. Maybe they’re overwhelmed today. What outcome do I actually want here?
3. Respond. Decide how you will communicate intentionally. I’ll ask to discuss this live instead of clarifying over email.

You might still feel the heat. You’re human. But you’ll be leading from a place of balance, not burnout, because leadership isn’t about never getting frustrated.