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Shadow of two people reaching out their hands to each other

How do we teach through relationships? What does that even mean? That was my response when I began working at a school that holds teaching through relationships as a core value. Teaching through relationships posits that teachers who have knowledge about their students will be better able to teach them. It is a fundamental idea that most progressive educators have long embraced.

But teaching through relationships is more than that. Ultimately, it describes the complex social environment in which students and teachers converse, share experiences, and participate in activities that, together, make for engaged learning.

Initially, it was a phrase that I didn't think much about because I thought I "sort of knew" what it meant. But as I found myself in classroom situations in which the atmosphere was fraught with tension and misunderstandings with students -- resulting in a less than stellar teaching performance -- I thought about the phrase again and realized that I had more questions than I realized.

My problem with teaching through relationships was pretty straightforward; in my own education, and in my own early teaching practice, teaching was a formal affair, aligned with ideas of conventional professionalism that draw a very clear line between the teacher and the students.

This formal arrangement discourages fraternizing with students in the belief that when the role of teacher, mentor, and guide becomes confused with that of a friend or a buddy, the instructional waters become muddied. The phrase also has a subtext of ickiness that has difficulty distancing itself from scandal and inappropriate behavior.

Defining Teaching Through Relationships

However, teaching through relationships does not encourage this type of fraternizing. Instead, it embeds formal knowledge in the world in which it actually belongs and from which it is born: that of the complex, historical, and social world of being human.

While maintaining the formal relationship between students and teachers, teaching through relationships, when done well, recognizes the human stories of the learners themselves (they are not blank slates), as well as that of the teacher. It is an approach that embraces our complex identities, biographies, and the stories we bring that serve to humanize the subjects we teach.

Making these complexities part of our teaching "mix" helps to expand our knowledge beyond the artificial confines of a particular discipline.

I had to do a lot of self-reflection on why this approach was difficult for me to embrace. During my primary and secondary education, I never had close relationships with teachers, and I never remember teachers having a personal interest in me. (As I write this, I do remember one particular teacher who did take an interest in me, but that is another story and another blog post.)

Getting to know my teachers and my teachers getting to know me as a fellow human traveler was not something that I wished for, so this was fine with me. In retrospect, the relationships and opportunities that I could have had and didn't make me feel a bit regretful.

When I was in college, I did notice -- with some degree of awe and envy -- that some of my friends were able to form close alliances with their professors. At that time of my life, I believed that you had to be brilliant or one of the hip, savvy students who had the chutzpah to see professors as something akin to a mentor and not a remote authority figure. These savvy students went to parties with their professors and were invited to dinner at their homes to meet their families. That wasn't my story.

Yet I could see how much my friends achieved academically by having more than the lectures and books as their sources of instruction. They learned the real knowledge of a discipline, a knowledge that was largely social in nature and that gave them insight into the life of their teacher, and therefore a better understanding of the professional reality, work, gossip, and social constructs that together, along with formal knowledge, create what we call "a discipline."

Teaching through relationships passes the student through that mystical threshold when formal knowledge leads to hidden knowledge. What is hidden is the process of discovery itself and the connections between thought, everyday life, and other seemingly unrelated ideas and disciplines. When students are able to make this connection via "teaching through relationships," they begin to see themselves as co-learners along with their teachers, as well as with the greatest minds in history.

Putting It to Practice

So what is the role the teacher in this scenario? Firstly, it means getting to know the students' learning styles and where they are in terms of their knowledge, abilities, and potential. More importantly, it also means getting to know their interests, personality, and background. For the teacher, this body of knowledge opens up the possibilities of growth and dramatic learning opportunities.

Much of what we know about learning through relationships has its origins in the work of Lev Vygotsky, the child psychologist who asserted that learning is relational, and that language/conversation is central to the relational aspects of learning. Another reason that I admire Vygotsky's work is his emphasis on the role of community and how that facilitates the learning process.

I am also inspired by the philosophy of Martin Buber and his idea that consciousness itself only arises through relationship. Buber understood that the social framework of teaching is fundamental to how we learn and to the development of human culture in general. Buber was an early proponent of the idea that the best way to teach a student is to see him or her not as an "it," but as a whole, complex, and empathetic human being.

The Spoke in the Wheel

My challenges with building relationships in the classroom reached a peak when I found myself in a situation where the students were not very friendly to each other. The silence was not that of students focused on their work, but of the social awkwardness of people not able or willing to bridge a social gap.

The social grease that very often is seen as a distraction was absent, and I realized that the class lacked the social vibe that energizes the classroom. When addressing this problem with colleagues, I was advised that I be "the spoke in the wheel" -- the active agent who built relationships between my students by getting to know them and asking friendly questions about their interests and background.

That also became a way for them to get to know each other. So, in addition to the teacher-student dyad, this opened up a third component of teaching through relationships, that of the students' relationships with each other as friends, colleagues, and co-learners.

Slowing Down

One of the many challenges I had with the social aspects of teaching was that it appeared to be getting in the way of instruction. If I wasn't directly addressing the lesson at hand, but instead talking about Hakim's interest in the ukulele, then I was wasting time. There was always the next lesson to cover and a limited amount of time to get through the curriculum.

I've since learned that taking time to get to know your students will better help communicate the formal aspects of your curriculum. It helps facilitate the possible connections you make. It alerts each student that he or she is seen as another being and, in response, makes them all more attentive. By slowing down and maybe not getting through the entire scope of your curriculum, you create opportunities to go deeper.

This is a topic that I am still exploring every day, and I don't yet have as much insight as I would like, so please share in the comments section below your stories and insights about the relational aspects of learning and teaching.  

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Melanie Link Taylor's picture
Melanie Link Taylor
Educator, Blogger, Southern California

Excellent article. We recognize students need lunch, have a right to textbooks (or technology), but how about a right to the respect as a member of the learning community will a full relationship with peers and instructor? The teacher must administrate a classroom that guarentees the integrity of each student to participate and express observations on topic as well as comment on discussions with full appreciation and respect. This really isn't easy, but requires effective classroom management and relentless dedication to help each student receive opportunities for expression and respect.

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Brenda's picture

I agree with you that relationships are needed to help our students reach their full potential. The problem is the implementation especially when working with disengaged students. But these are the students who need quality relationships. I'd like to hear more specifics on how you develop relationships in your classroom.

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Reggie Harris's picture

Great article on the nuances of teaching through relationships. This technique has allowed me to have the best attendance at every school where I have taught math and computer science. It requires a lot of energy and multi-tasking because todays students have needs much different than their parents. Disruptive technologies have changed roles and expectations. In many cases I find that I am the first person to ask and value that students opinion!

ChristinaC0426's picture

This is an excellent article. Like Brenda, I agree with you that having a relationship with students is needed to help/ensure our students reach their fullest potential. I teach at a predominately low-income based school, so just about every student in my classroom comes from a different background/home life. Forming relationships allows us to learn how our students learn best. It also allows us to ensure we incorporate, even the most disruptive students' learning style, into every lesson. I really enjoyed reading this article and I am looking forward to sharing it with my colleagues!!!!

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Kevin Thomas's picture
Kevin Thomas
Enjoying the teaching Journey and more than happy to connect with you in classrooms wherever you are!

I enjoyed reading your article very much, Stacey! The value of "slowing down" which allows us to help students see themselves as co-learners in the process of education goes without saying; however, incorporating this into my teaching time digs into my curriculum time. Now, it is easier for my leaders to see that I have missed parts of the curriculum than to see a child who is developing as a more holistic learner. I need to bridge this dilemma--HELP!

Alex Shevrin's picture
Alex Shevrin
Teacher/leader & techie at independent, alternative, therapeutic high school

Kevin, that certainly is a challenge when your administrative team doesn't see the growth or value the same way you do. I find a good solution to be...make it measurable! Set social/emotional goals with your students and then track their progress. That's good practice for the students as well as for data-loving administrators.

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Laura Bradley, MA, NBCT's picture
Laura Bradley, MA, NBCT
Middle school English/Digital Media teacher

As an English teacher, I find it easier to get to know my students if I give them opportunities to write about themselves and their lives. I have had them write short autobiographical pieces that they eventually revise and publish, and reading those pieces allows me to not only get to know them outside the classroom, but to also write comments to them on what they have written. It is so difficult to form relationships with 160 students, but by reading and writing back and forth on their papers, I am able to reach past the academic relationship and make connections of a more personal nature.

Yaa Adoma's picture
Yaa Adoma
Rethink education/teaching/learning in Mali; aiming to change the statistics, one child at a time.

A refreshingly candid article. I share Stacey's experiences of my childhood periods in school, where the teacher was NOT one's friend. And indeed, in my later college years, I could see the advantages that those students had who shared personal relationships with the professors.

That is one of the things that is being "reschooled" in my pedagogy, and I am only too aware of the need for us as teachers to be the spoke in the wheel, the change agent that starts the social vibe.

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